What a week!!

     It has been a taxing week.  My Grandmother is on her death bed and it really doesn't look good.  It's like everyone is just waiting for her to pass.  She's under 24 hour Hospice care here at the house.  I can't even think of the idea of her... It's just too much right now.  My Aunt is on her way from St. Petersburg, Fl and I really hope she gets the chance to say goodbye to her mother.
     Yesterday, my older sister, Lori, called me to say that she's back in the hospital.  Her doctor admitted her because of her heart.  I'm just beyond myself right now.  So I had to go to the hospital to visit with her.  It's a lot to deal with for my family.  I really pray that we don't have to go to another funeral.
      I don't want to say goodbye to her.  She means so much to me and I just don't want to let go.

Goodbye Jayda

     I went to a funeral today.  My friend Gene "Shooby" Dillard's and his girlfriend Shelley Walters baby girl, Jayda Walters, drowned at Styx Rivers.  She was only three years old.  What a sad day!  I think of all the things she wont do, all the accomplishments she wont have, and all the life changing moments that will never be hers to experience.  Then I think of all the things a mother looks forward to for her child and Shelley will never get to see that with Jayda.  She will never get to see her graduate from school or college, never see her fall in love or get married, never see her get her first job or buy her first car, and never get to see her pregnant with her first child or have kids of her own.  All the promises that she once had for her child are forever gone.

     This was a child that I held in my arms when she was just a baby and I thought out loud how absolutely beautiful she was.  It just makes me so sad that I wont get to see the woman she would grow into.  I can only hope that her family can find a way to get through this loss allowing them to find peace and joy again.

     This was an awful accident of a child that was taken way too soon.  Please watch your kids like a hawk when they are around water because those little legs can move so fast.  One minute they are right next to you and the next you don't know where they are.  You wont believe how many small children drown in this country.  In fact the same week that Jayda drowned another two year old boy drowned in a neighbor's pool.  Don't be ashamed to ask friends to help you watch your child especially if you have to watch more than one.  As a parent it is our job to protect our children and some times we need help doing our jobs efficiently.

     Goodbye Jayda you will be so missed.

The BIG 40!!!!!!!!!!

     Ever had one of those moments where everything went wrong?  I'm having one of those moments in life where I can't find the positive.  I'm usually able to look at things from all sides and find the good. I feel like I'm in a haze.  I need to rock out!  Yes.  I need a party.
     My birthday is Saturday and I turn the big 40; which my teenage daughter constantly refers to as old. I choose not to think of it at all but maybe that's my problem.  I rarely celebrate my birthday and on the rare occasion that I choose to celebrate it's an eat out at a local restaurant.  This year I'm thinking that I want the big out doors.  Beach party and then a night out with the girls.  I really want to go para-sailing but I can't get anyone to go with me which really sucks.  Scary ass people!  If you're one of my friends and you are reading this just know that if the shoe fits applies.  I'm just saying.  Smile.  Yeah, 40!

Overwhelmed Me!

     I'm sitting here trying to rest and relax.  I just spent the last week trying to take care of my older sister.  She's been in the hospital.  I on the other hand spent the week driving between Bay Minette, Mobile, and Fairhope, on top of that running errands for her, watching her dog, then taking care of her daughters for the past three days, and checking in on her at the hospital.  The crazy part is that I'm really upset with her.  I don't think she takes very good care of herself and she has two young girls to look after. She knows what she has to do but she chooses to ignore doctors orders and eat stuff that she can't eat.  I want to shake her then slap her into reality.  But I also realize that she has lupus, heart problems, and diverticulitis to deal with.  I understand her pain.  I just don't understand her not fighting with all her might to get well. I don't know how I would deal with her kind of illnesses but I do know that I would put my child first.  I think I need to get away from everyone and having to take care of everybody.  I need some me time.
     So today I'm taking care of my Grandmother; who's bedridden and can't take care of herself.  Trying to give my Mother a break.
     I don't want to feel right now.  My heart is broken and I don't think that anything will ever be the same.  I have to get past this sadness and I think that a new work project maybe two or three will do the trick.  I don't want to think about him but I keep thinking about him.  I have to get past this and I don't know how.  I wish that I could turn this off and focus on myself for a change.

Little Boy Lost

    I want to tell you a story that I think you will find interesting.  There was this little boy who lost himself and had to become a man at a very early age.  He grew up hard and he felt alone; at times unloved.  As a result of the way he grew up he became a protector for those in need because he never felt protected.   I imagine he dreamed of all the things he would do if he could; that’s when the hero took form.   He would hide under his house to keep from his abusive father’s grasp, but never far from his mother’s loving arms.  I think he wanted to be sure that she too was safe because his father would often times beat his mother.

     As a man, he is distant and some times cold because he hides parts of himself from the world.  That part of himself desperately needs to be nourished and cared for but instead is being neglected.  To him this part of self is a weakness that he (the man) can’t afford to have.  Within self is this longing that is growing because it is constantly being denied.  He doesn’t want to show his weakness because it would leave him vulnerable; open.  Some pains you can never forget.  His fear is that someone will see and know.  “To thy own self be true.”

     I say, “this little boy needs to mourn for the little boy trapped under the building hiding away in fear.”  He needs to weep for his pain, for his hurt, for his sorrow.  Then he needs to rejoice for his hope, for his love, for his life, and for all that is to come.  He needs to believe and to accept that he is good and just; that nothing can take this away from him.  He also needs to realize that he can not save the world.

     Why do you think he hides under that building?  I’ve thought of this a lot lately.  He could of went some where else and been safe from the monster but he stayed there close to her.  I think he wanted to save her but every time he failed and that took a toll on him; more than he ever realized.   I also think that he is now afraid of becoming the monster that he (the little boy) hid from.  He doesn’t realize that he has the key inside him to change this situation. 

     I want to tell that little boy that he is safe, that he is loved, and that within him is all he needs to fix the man that is now in turmoil.  I’m wondering what would you tell him…

     I hope you found my story interesting.  I have to go for now.

Much love, PJ.