PTSD defined

     Every year I have to worry about my anniversary period of my rapes.  They actually both happened around the same time of the year; so some times it hits me really hard but other times it's pretty smooth.  I get very tense, agitated, contained, stand offish, and jumpy.  I have nightmares and some flashbacks that can show up at the worst time possible.  My biggest worry is depression.  I know that this is a very tough time of the year for me so I plan for it.  I love myself a little bit harder and I take better care of myself.  Worst case I have to go see my doctor and get med's best case I keep active and sail right through it.  I use to go to counseling once a week during this time period now I deal with it in other ways; like reading a good book, learning something new, going for a nice walk alone, going to lunch with a friend, or going to the movies.
     I believe in educating myself to my illness; so I've pretty much learned the warning signs and what I need to look for but most importantly what works for me to come out of it okay.  I know that this illness is a part of my life, there's no cure for PTSD, but I also know that there are things that I can do to prepare myself to deal with my PTSD.  In a way it makes me feel empowered instead of powerless. That's why I say that "information is power so be informed."


From Wikipedia:  PTSD defined
     Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma. This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one's own or someone else's physical, sexual, or psychological integrity,^[1] overwhelming the individual's ability to cope.

     PTSD is believed to be caused by experiencing any of a wide range of events^[9] which produces intense negative feelings of "fear, helplessness or horror"^[10] in the observer or participant.^[1] Sources of such feelings may include (but are not limited to):

• experiencing or witnessing childhood or adult physical, emotional, or sexual abuse;^[1]
• experiencing or witnessing physical assault, adult experiences of sexual assault, accidents, drug addiction, illnesses, medical complications;^[11
• employment in occupations exposed to war (such as soldiers) or disaster (such as emergency service workers);^[11]
• getting a diagnosis of a life-threatening illness[1]

      However, being exposed to a traumatic experience doesn't automatically indicate they will develop PTSD.^[18] It has been shown that the intrusive memories, such as flashbacks, nightmares, and the memories themselves, are greater contributors to the biological and psychological dimensions of PTSD than the event itself.^[19] These intrusive memories are mainly characterized by sensory episodes, rather than thoughts. People with PTSD have intrusive re-experiences of traumatic events which lack awareness of context and time. These episodes aggravate and maintain PTSD symptoms since the individual re-experiences trauma as if it was happening in the present moment.^[20]

(Information on PTSD obtained from http://www.ask.com/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder?o=2848&qsrc=999).

Why This Blog ?

     Why this blog?  Well for me it’s quite simple.  When I was going through the after affects of my rape I felt so very alone.  I didn't understand what was happening to me and there was no information at that time (this was around the late 90’s) available that I could refer to.  I had all these symptoms that I didn't attribute to being raped.  I didn't know about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or RTS (Rape Trauma Syndrome).  I had no knowledge of panic attacks, but was having them on a regular basis, or that my sleep disturbance could be contributed to being raped.  I thought that I was going crazy and it made me sort of close myself off to the world.  I became really reclusive and it’s still hard for me to let go around people; which isn't very good when you're trying to be an artist.  No one should feel like this, hopeless.

     This blog is my way of saying I understand and I’m here to help.  The only thing I know to do is provide information because it's something that I'm good at finding and I enjoy providing that information.  It makes me feel good knowing that I can do something.  
     Let me just say that I’m not a professional counselor or therapist and I’m not representing myself in that capacity.  I’m just someone that’s been where you are and I've managed to find ways to get through some pretty rough times by equipping my self with as much knowledge as I can get my hands on.  However, I do really believe in counseling and therapy; so it's definitely an option that should never be overlooked.  It's a tool like any other tool and if you need it by all means use it. 

     I'm not rich but I’m a crazy information person and I provide you with valuable information; as much as you care to read.  What’s on this blog right now are links to helpful sights with wonderful information on depression and rape trauma, both support, and therapy.  I post recommendations on books that I've read or Cd's/DVD's that I've listened to.  I also post a helpful tool link plus you can scroll down to the bottom of the page and find the books that I recommend.   From time to time I will pick a new activity to try out; and you can read about the outcome.  Let me just tell you upfront that I have a potty mouth and that’s pretty much not going to change.  Don’t be surprised when you meet me on the street and my mouth needs washing (I’m just saying).

     I’m Lady PJ and information is power so be informed.  Much love to you.

Spent the day being kind to me

     I spent the day being kind to myself, so I went shopping.  Yes, loved it!  I didn't find anything that made me feel hot but I managed to find a dress that I liked on me.  I thought I was going to need to hit something but no.  I invited a friend out for drinks but she got off work much too late for me; so I rain checked. Another time!  I ended up at my favorite place to be Barnes and Noble book store.  I didn't have any luck finding any books that I didn't already have but I enjoyed my time there. I knooooow, it's so sad but I really love the book store.
     All and all it was a very good day for me.  My calm returned and as my day is now ending I feel refreshed.  It's amazing the little things you can do to bring yourself out of a crisis.

I had a flashback.. I hate those.

     I had a flashback last week that just threw me into turmoil.  I was watching some show and all of a sudden I remembered a situation that I had with my ex-husband (I know… him again, right!).  I was at home getting ready to go to bed and he came in from outside, he had been drinking, and he was in a lousy mood.  I really didn’t care about his mood.  I just wanted to go to bed and hopefully sleep.  I had sleep insomnia and I often had a hard time going to sleep or staying asleep for that matter.  He started an argument about nothing really but I just wasn’t in the mood for that, so I told him that I had it and that I was leaving.  He stepped in front of me and blocked my exit.  This put me in a defensive state of mind.  I told him to get out my way and he refused.  Then he threatened to hit me in the mouth but then he did something I wasn’t expecting he balled his fist up and jumped at me.  Now mind you I thought he had hit me.  All I know is that I grabbed him, threw him on the ground, pounding his chest with my fist, and yelling “I hate you” to the top of my lungs.  He’s on the floor curled up in a fetal position, taking my every blow.  The only thing that stopped my rage was that I realized that he hadn’t hit me.  Thank God because I think I would of killed him.  I was in full blown rage.  After that I felt so bad because I broke a few arteries in his chest and the fact that I lost control.  I didn’t even understand then why I lost control.  I realized the other day that when I was raped I was locked in this apartment on the third floor with no way out unless I had the key or I jumped out the window and all of this was blocked by my rapist.  When my husband blocked my exit it triggered a response from being trapped in a place that I couldn’t leave.  You don’t know how ashamed I was of loosing control of myself like that.

     Today, I am trying to make myself feel safe again because for some strange reason I feel so very unsettled.  I’ve decided that I need to get out the house and go do some activities like bowling maybe or have some drinks with some friends.  It’s always a challenge to find the right thing to put me back to a balanced state of mind.  Some things work some times and at other times they don’t but I’m optimistic that I’ll find a way.  I always do.

What history are you leaving behind????

     I always think about the history I leave behind.  Like for instance my child, what life lessons am I leaving her.  Am I teaching my daughter to be strong and fierce or to live in fear.  What you have to think is that children don't always learn by what we say but mostly by what they see and how we treat them.  I discovered with my daughter I wasn't being the best mother I could because I was sheltering her too much and I was giving out all this negative energy.  She in turn was giving it back to all those around her and I realized that I was at fault because she was my child and my responsibility.  Children have to learn; they have to fail, they have to succeed, but most of all they have to know that it's alright no matter what because we will always love and support them.  Now I watch my words and I watch her reaction to my words.  I want her to understand why I do something and for us to discuss it if she disagree's or does not understand.  With any relationship communication is key, and it's no different with your children (no matter their age).  I want my daughter to grow up feeling loved, understood, and most of all strong.  I don't want her to live a life of fear because I am afraid of what this world will bring to her.  It is my hope that one day she will do the same for her child or children.
     Then I think about my relationship with my life partner, he is absolutely amazing mind you.  What am I leaving with him.  Is he thinking of the joy I bring to his life.  Am I doing all I can to be a help mate and am I an understanding partner. Will he think of the good things we share in our lives when he's not with me.  When he's away from me is he wondering about my smile, my laughter, or the love we share.  These are questions that I have in my mind because I want to give goodness to those around me in the hope that that goodness with be returned in kind.
     Today, I hope that you will think about the history you're leaving behind.  What impressions are you giving off to people and are you getting back what you put out?  If you want a different result in your life then you have to some times change the way you're doing things.
     Peace and love to you, I am Lady PJ and information is power so be informed.

I'm all smiles

     I feel so relieved right now.  Last week I went to the Emergency Room at Thomas Hospital in Fairhope Alabama because I had chronic pain, swelling in my chest, problems breathing, and a few other symptoms.  Now granted I've been sick for the last two years with no hope of knowing my diagnosis, plus I've been back and forth to various Doctor's having frequent check-ups in an effort to discover what was making me so sick.  It was a nightmare and I was terrified because I didn't know what was wrong or how to deal with it.  I'm such an active person and I like doing different things but I haven't been able to do much of any thing of late because of this illness.  It really changed my life.
     About a year ago I did some research based on my family medical history and my symptoms; at that time I thought I had a gallstone because all my symptoms matched.  I went to my Doctor and informed him that I thought I had a gallstone; this was after my first bout at the Emergency Room (I'm not going to say the hospital name) that went no where.  I think the doctor thought I was "another one of those people" who diagnose themselves.  Yeah, well I was right.  Hello!
     Last week I could not take the pain any more, for one my neck had swollen up and my throat was starting to swell then I was having problems breathing and I had so much pressure in my chest that I wanted to rip my chest open.
     Any way, I drive myself to the hospital and it's like three hours before I'm seen by a doctor at the Emergency Room.  My thought is; it's my hiatal hernia.  I had surgery in 1994 because I had a hiatal hernia and I thought that maybe I had re-injured it some how.  So they do an Ultra Sound and find that I have a gallstone and it's stuck; it was too big to pass.  Then I'm admitted to the hospital and they run a series of test to make sure that it's nothing else.  After being in there for two or three days they finally schedule me for surgery.  The day of the surgery I discover that they plan to take my gallbladder out.  At that point I didn't care I just wanted the pain to stop.  The surgery was like 45 minutes then an hour in the recovery room.  I actually had an inflamed gallbladder and quite a number of gallstones, so they had to remove my gallbladder. Fortunately for me, you can live without a gallbladder.  I was released from the hospital the very next day.  The only concern I've had since then is keeping my lungs clean by taking deep breaths and coughing up any fluids.
     It's like all this negative energy is gone and I feel so good.  I'm still recovering but I feel like I can do anything.  I can finally plan for my future and I'm loving that. I'm so thankful to the surgeon that operated on me Dr. John W. Wilson and Thomas Hospital for the wonderful care I received.  And I'm so grateful to God for bringing me through this; he really answered my pray.  Today I'm all smiles.