Saying Goodbye

     It’s Sunday, November 25th of 2012, and I’m sitting in a pew at Williams Funeral Home off Tobacco Road in Augusta Georgia for the funeral of my ex-husband, Calvin Jenkins.  I’m sort of numb sitting there thinking about all the good and the bad things about my ex.  I now look at all the people that attended and I’m pleasantly surprised that it’s so many people there.  I lived with this man for nine years and I could hardly recognize a face in the crowd.  I think, completely to myself of course, Calvin would be so proud to see all the people that came to mourn him; he so loving attention and all.  I could almost see him sitting in a chair by the preacher looking at every one to see who’s crying, who’s faking, and paying special attention to what every one is saying about him.  Then I felt this sadness because I thought about the fact that he would never have the chance to make things right with his family.  He would never get the chance to ask for forgiveness from those he had done wrong, not that he would of course.  I considered his children (Taneika, Lakeisha, Calvin, and Jasmine (my daughter)), and his mother (Ethel) and how they would deal with his passing.  It was all so unexpected and unreal.  It just felt so unreal.

     I had such a heavy heart going into that funeral and when I left I just felt free.  I could finally forgive him for all the hurt and all the pain because he couldn't hurt me any more.  It’s very hard to explain how I felt sitting there.  I got a little teary eyed just saying those words out loud, “I forgive you for hurting me.”  I couldn't do that while he was alive.  I now feel like I’m on this new path and hopefully those walls I had up are gone.  I am such a work in progress and I’m hoping that with time I can let go of all this unnecessary stuff that I’m holding on to.  I really believe that I just made a step in that direction.  I said goodbye to Calvin but really I was saying hello to me, to the me that was in this cage trying to sing for freedom but no-body was listening, well today that singing bird is free.