I had a flashback.. I hate those.

     I had a flashback last week that just threw me into turmoil.  I was watching some show and all of a sudden I remembered a situation that I had with my ex-husband (I know… him again, right!).  I was at home getting ready to go to bed and he came in from outside, he had been drinking, and he was in a lousy mood.  I really didn’t care about his mood.  I just wanted to go to bed and hopefully sleep.  I had sleep insomnia and I often had a hard time going to sleep or staying asleep for that matter.  He started an argument about nothing really but I just wasn’t in the mood for that, so I told him that I had it and that I was leaving.  He stepped in front of me and blocked my exit.  This put me in a defensive state of mind.  I told him to get out my way and he refused.  Then he threatened to hit me in the mouth but then he did something I wasn’t expecting he balled his fist up and jumped at me.  Now mind you I thought he had hit me.  All I know is that I grabbed him, threw him on the ground, pounding his chest with my fist, and yelling “I hate you” to the top of my lungs.  He’s on the floor curled up in a fetal position, taking my every blow.  The only thing that stopped my rage was that I realized that he hadn’t hit me.  Thank God because I think I would of killed him.  I was in full blown rage.  After that I felt so bad because I broke a few arteries in his chest and the fact that I lost control.  I didn’t even understand then why I lost control.  I realized the other day that when I was raped I was locked in this apartment on the third floor with no way out unless I had the key or I jumped out the window and all of this was blocked by my rapist.  When my husband blocked my exit it triggered a response from being trapped in a place that I couldn’t leave.  You don’t know how ashamed I was of loosing control of myself like that.

     Today, I am trying to make myself feel safe again because for some strange reason I feel so very unsettled.  I’ve decided that I need to get out the house and go do some activities like bowling maybe or have some drinks with some friends.  It’s always a challenge to find the right thing to put me back to a balanced state of mind.  Some things work some times and at other times they don’t but I’m optimistic that I’ll find a way.  I always do.