New Year New Beginnings.....

      I so hope that you had an enjoyable Christmas; for some of you I know it was extremely hard just to get through.  Touch yourself and say these simple words “I made it through Christmas and I’m doing fine.”  Some times we need to pat ourselves on the back for our small achievements.  I’m a shoe person so when I've done something big or went through something I thought I couldn't get through I reward myself by going shopping for shoes (sexy shoes or boots).  I have a lot of shoes.  Laugh out loud! 

     A new year is knocking at the door and we are filled with joy because there is hope that a wonderful change will come.  We are all hopeful that next year will be our year.  I feel the same way.  Now that we've gotten through Christmas let’s just stack the decks.  What do you say?  What would it take for next year to be your year?  Take the time now to answer that simple question but make sure you write them all down then store your list in a safe place, where you will remember it, then at the end of the year see how you did.  It gives you the chance to set some goals and to dream a little.  I suggest that you don’t write things you know you will never achieve.  This is your new beginning so don’t jeopardize it by setting yourself up for failure.  At first, just try small things like going for a walk after you get off work, finding a friend you can hang out with, going to church regularly, going dancing and learning a new dance, or finding a new hobby you can do once a week.  When I think of what I would like to do I always think of the things that make me happy but this year I want to do things that I've never done before; like wind surfing. 

     I’m a pretty quiet person and I love moments of introspection by myself.  Usually when I’m in this mode I head towards water because that‘s where I have the most peace.  I grab my beach umbrella, my chair, and a good book (usually on something that I would like to learn); but that’s just me.  When I’m in Georgia with my best friend Donna Lynn, we always bring a little spirits along with us and we have some really spirited moments together watching the sunset.  Important thing, we always sober up before we head back home.   Never drive drunk!

     My advise is that you find that thing that works for you.  It’s a new year dawning and this can be a new beginning for you.  Ask yourself if you want a new beginning.  I say let’s journey on and have a little fun along the way.  I know I am; so come along and dance with me.

Happiness is a choice

     Happiness is your responsibility.  Unfortunately, there’s no pill you can take that will make you happy; although people have tried to find that happy pill.  Let me just tell you now “it does not exist.”  If you want to be happy then just be.  It’s as simple as that.  You have a choice; you can stay where you are in your current state or you can decide to be happy.  I know that it’s easier said than done but you must try. 

     I always try to find things that make me happy and I incorporate them in my life.  I love music so I surround myself with artist that share my interest and I write lyrics.  I play pool, so when I get a chance I go and shoot a little pool with friends.  I love the water and where I live there are lakes, rivers, and beaches all over that I can go to; plus there’s the city pool.  I so love to laugh so I try to watch shows that are funny, or comedies period. 

     You should try it and see if it works for you.  Make a list of things that you use to do when you was younger and then make a plan to try some of those things on your list.  Don’t just make the list and set it aside.  You have to make a conscience effort to change your life for the better and remember your goal is happiness.  Keep doing the things that you enjoy the most.

Stop Arguing With A Fool

     There was a time in my life when my ex-husband use to call me and start a fight.  He always knew what to say to get under my skin.  In essence he stole my peace and worst than that I let him.  There was this saying that goes “never argue with a fool.”  Do you know why?  Because you can’t tell which one is the fool; so true.  So what I decided to do was to ignore him.  I would let him say what he had to say and I wouldn't say a word.  It took his power away.  In fact, afterwards, he didn't know how to take me.  His harassing phone calls eventually stopped.  Most of the time when he called I didn't answer the phone and when I did talk to him it would always be brief then I would pass the phone on to our daughter.  I couldn't stop him from calling my house because we had a child together but I could control his access to me.  I realized that I was contributing to the problem.  My advice for today is Stop Arguing with a fool, just smile and keep it moving.  Eventually they will get your message.

Newtown Shooting

     We are in a war that we don’t understand.  We can’t wrap our heads around the fact that people could walk into an elementary school and shoot children dead for no apparent reason.  It defies common decency, logic, and rationality.  Yet today in Newtown Connecticut at Sandy Hook Elementary School a shooter shot and killed twenty children and six adults before turning the gun on himself.  A city mourns, our heart goes out to them; parents worst fears are realized and our heart bleeds for them.  Today our world got a little bit smaller and our safety was completely destroyed.  Now the questions ring out.  How do we fight this war when we know not our enemy?  Are we to hide away in our homes, in fear, in the belief that those walls will keep us safe?  Is there not a safe harbor; any where?  How can we answer these simple questions.  All I can do is shake my head in disbelief.

     It’s the parents job to keep his/her child safe.  As a parent, you send your child to school with no after thought because they're in school and thus they're safe.  You no longer worry about them because you know where they are and that you will see them when you get home from work.  Today in Newtown that won’t happen for some families.  Families will mourn for years for this life that ended in such a cruel and thoughtless way.  Their lives are forever changed because some one decided that his life wasn't worth living and made the selfish decision to take a few people with him.  I can not imagine their grief and I pray to God that I never have to.

     Are we to install metal detectors at the doors of every school now?  Is that what we need and will that do it?  Must we look deeper at the why’s and the how’s?  How is it that someone gets to the point that life has no meaning at all?  How can you look a small child, that wouldn't hurt a fly, in the face and shoot them dead? How can you be so cold?  What broke inside this young man that made him do this terrible deed.  Why did this happen to these children and to this town?  When will we start to value life again?
     We all watch the television and on the news from time to time we see suicide bombers that go into crowds of people and blow themselves up killing men, woman, and children.  We think to ourselves, "how crazy is that?"  We some how look down on those people because they have been fighting all their lives and we casually think, they don't know any better.  In our country, in America land of the free home of the brave, we have suicide bombers; who are killing men, woman, and children.  The question that all of us should be asking is, "what are we going to do about it?"

     Life is so very precious and it is such a blessing to be able to share your life with your family, be grateful today that you have your family in your life and that they are all safe.  Because today someone wont get that same blessing.

Tis The Season

     It's that season again; Christmas.  The trees are up and decorated, the mistletoe is hung, the lights adorn the doors, Santa is sitting in his slay on top of the roof, and the snowman guards the front lawn.  So why is it that I feel like shit.  A new year is coming in and I'm sitting here trying to sum up this year.  It just went by so fast and I feel lost trying to figure out what I did this year.   I'm not a big holiday person but I'm hoping that this season is different.    I plan to have a very merry season and party the new year in right with a bottle of wine and some Billie Holiday.  I don't want to think about what I've lost but that's what I'm thinking about.  I'm thinking about my Grandmother and my Grandfather because they wont be here this year or any other year.  I'm thinking that there wont be any more fruit cakes loaded with rum that my Grandmother made just for me.  2012 will always be the year that I lost the most important woman in my life and that is so hard to deal with.

     Today I'm hopeful that next year will be the best year yet because I will make it so.  I don't have very many things that I want, no off the cuff resolutions to proclaim.  I just want to feel with my whole heart, to embrace life, and enjoy the now.  Merry Christmas and may you have a wonderful New Year.

Communication; straw or bridge!

     Communication can be the straw that breaks the camels back or the bridge that brings two islands together.  People always talk about the difference between men and woman when it comes to communication.  Woman are always complaining that men don’t listen and men are always complaining that woman are always complaining.  Well, I had a situation with my fiance (I like that word) and it was a communication issue.  I felt like he was pulling away from me and we no longer had that connection we once shared.  So I had to figure out a way to tell him without him feeling like I was accusing him of some great wrong because I didn't want him to zone out on me.  You know Ladies; men tend to close down when it comes to personal issues in the relationship, they completely don’t want to talk about it. We as woman tend to go straight to the problem and tell them how they can fix it.  Notice I said “tell” ladies.  Not good.  So I decided to approach the situation a little differently; out of a place of love of course.  I told him how much I missed the passion we shared and the loving connection we once had.  Then I expressed my desire to share that with him again.   Let’s just say that things are back on track –our two islands have a connecting bridge- plus we avoided a situation that could of turned very ugly. 

  So if you’re fighting with your significant other find creative ways to express your discontent that aren't hostile or offensive; instead do it out of a place of love.  Going the other route could be the straw that broke the camels back and you could find yourself all alone; unless that’s what you want.  In that case, tarry on!

I Vent..

Venting:

Talking is coping mechanism that allows a person to rationalize and validate their own fears, concerns, worries, dreams, and hopes.  If we are not allowed to vent, we end up bottling up our emotions which is detrimental to the human psyche and can end up suffering from it's side effects.  Such as ulcers, depression, high blood pressure, anxiety migraines, fatigue.  The list goes on and on.  So when you find yourself in the position of being the receiver of someone's griping, moaning, or bitching, realize that not always is advice warranted but more or less you have become the outlet for someone's Physical and Psychological health.

"She was purely venting so don't take what she said personally."

     I got this definition from the Urban Dictionary on-line.  I chose this word because I am a person who vents.  It’s the craziest thing in the world but I do it to get out all the anger and the craziness.  It’s very therapeutic for me.  Most people don’t understand but it’s a must do for me.  It’s the only way I can be at peace within. 

     My biggest problem is finding an outlet for my venting.  It’s very hard to tell someone about all the crazy things you are thinking and them not take your words to heart.  Most people listen to your words and take them personally because they don’t know who you are.  When I vent I’m trying to understand; myself, the situation, others.  If you don’t know me then you might think of me in the worst light especially if you heard me vent.  It can get really messy!

     I’ve learned to vent in different ways but I’m careful who I vent to these days.  If I don’t vent all hell breaks loose and I end up going off on someone for some thing small or I walk around angry.  Trust me when I say this “no one wants to see me with pent up anger.”

     If you need to release some aggression you should try venting.  I completely recommend it.  It will save your life and maybe someone else's.  I don’t think you should vent around people though because they might not understand.  I vented to a friend and now he thinks I’m crazy.  I am a little crazy but that’s beside the point.  Just be careful who you share your crazy world with because that person might take you literally at your word.   Peace and much love to you.

Source:  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=venting

Applying for Survivor Benefits from the SSA

     I am such an information nut so from time to time I will dish out some useful information so stop by and check that out.  Today I’m going to talk about “Can a child draw social security benefits from a deceased parent?” 

     The social security administration provides survivor benefits to the children of deceased parents who have paid social security taxes.  A child can receive Social Security benefits --- but not SSI benefits --- if a parent who paid Social Security tax has died. In this case, these benefits are known as survivor benefits. To be eligible to receive survivor benefits, your child must be younger than age 18 --- 19 if she's a full-time student. If your child is older than age 18, is unmarried and has a disability, she's also eligible to receive survivor benefits. Although SSI eligibility doesn't relate to a parent's death, if your child is receiving survivor benefits and is disabled, she may also be eligible to receive SSI benefits.

     The Social Security Administration provides two types of programs that pay disability benefits and that may produce some confusion. The Social Security Disability, or SSD, program pays benefits based on an individual work record and Social Security tax payment. SSI pays disability benefits to any eligible person with low income. Because SSD benefits draw funds from Social Security taxes, taxpayers and their families are eligible to receive benefits; SSI benefits also don't relate to Social Security tax payment, so these benefits aren't transferable. Survivor benefits are simply another name for Social Security benefits that draw funds from Social Security tax and are paid only to surviving family members of deceased individuals who have paid these taxes.

     For a child to be eligible to receive survivor benefits, the deceased parent must have worked long enough and paid Social Security tax for long enough before his death. The number of years a deceased worker must have worked for his family to qualify to receive survivor benefits depends upon the age at which he dies. Young workers are required to have fewer years of work. Generally, a worker requires no more than 10 years of work for his children to qualify to receive survivor benefits.

How to apply:

1. Read the eligibility requirements to determine if the child meets the requirements. The requirements are listed on the website of the Social Security Administration (SSA) . Unmarried children age 18 and younger (or age 19, if still in school) can receive benefits, as can a child of any age who was disabled before age 22.

2. Gather the documents necessary to support an application for survivors benefits. The documents are listed at the SSA website and include proof of death, Social Security numbers for the child and the deceased worker, birth certificate of the child, and the deceased worker's most recent W-2 form or federal self-employment tax return. The documents must be submitted in original or with a certification from the issuing agency.

3. Apply for benefits in person or by telephone. Complete the application with all relevant documents. Be sure to indicate that the child is also seeking the one-time death payment, which is $255 as of 2011.

     I really hope that this information is helpful to you and if you need any additional information or to file an application make an appointment with your local Social Security Office or call them and they can do an application by phone.  Just make sure you have all the necessary documentation.

Saying Goodbye

     It’s Sunday, November 25th of 2012, and I’m sitting in a pew at Williams Funeral Home off Tobacco Road in Augusta Georgia for the funeral of my ex-husband, Calvin Jenkins.  I’m sort of numb sitting there thinking about all the good and the bad things about my ex.  I now look at all the people that attended and I’m pleasantly surprised that it’s so many people there.  I lived with this man for nine years and I could hardly recognize a face in the crowd.  I think, completely to myself of course, Calvin would be so proud to see all the people that came to mourn him; he so loving attention and all.  I could almost see him sitting in a chair by the preacher looking at every one to see who’s crying, who’s faking, and paying special attention to what every one is saying about him.  Then I felt this sadness because I thought about the fact that he would never have the chance to make things right with his family.  He would never get the chance to ask for forgiveness from those he had done wrong, not that he would of course.  I considered his children (Taneika, Lakeisha, Calvin, and Jasmine (my daughter)), and his mother (Ethel) and how they would deal with his passing.  It was all so unexpected and unreal.  It just felt so unreal.

     I had such a heavy heart going into that funeral and when I left I just felt free.  I could finally forgive him for all the hurt and all the pain because he couldn't hurt me any more.  It’s very hard to explain how I felt sitting there.  I got a little teary eyed just saying those words out loud, “I forgive you for hurting me.”  I couldn't do that while he was alive.  I now feel like I’m on this new path and hopefully those walls I had up are gone.  I am such a work in progress and I’m hoping that with time I can let go of all this unnecessary stuff that I’m holding on to.  I really believe that I just made a step in that direction.  I said goodbye to Calvin but really I was saying hello to me, to the me that was in this cage trying to sing for freedom but no-body was listening, well today that singing bird is free.

Closing A Chapter

     I'm here today at a lost for words because some thing quite unexpected happened a few days ago.  My daughter, Jasmine, was on Facebook and she saw a comment about her Dad, Calvin, being dead.  If you've been reading my blog then you know that this is my ex-husband and there's no love lost there for either of us.  She, my daughter, went to pieces and I was thrown into this unexpected place.  I've been here just thinking about all the stuff he put me through and it's crazy because I can't feel sad about his death.  I was thinking about the time he came to my apartment and threatened to kill himself in front of me because I left him, or the time he threatened to punch me in the mouth, the fight that ensued from that threat, or the time he took a part off my car so I couldn't leave, the constant harassing phone calls, the belittlement, the stalking, the lying, and the manipulation.  He use to call my friends and threatened to hurt them for helping me.  He would call my job and try to get me fired by telling them I was of low moral character; I was a thief and I had stole from my last job.  It was crazy.
     I remember telling him that he would die all alone and no body would know he was dead.  He had alienated so many people in his life including his Mother and his other kids.  Well, He died all alone and in fact no body knew he was dead for a couple of days.  What a sad way to die but he refused to change his ways.  His funeral is Sunday and my daughter wants to go.  I'm starting to think that I need to go.  There is so much hurt there and so much anger that I don't think I've ever really let go of.  I think it's time to say goodbye to this person that I trusted and believed in, who I felt betrayed me and made my life hell.  It's time to close that chapter completely.

Living with PTSD

I recently told my boyfriend about  my PTSD and I was so worried that he would think badly of me.  It really stressed me out.  When I told him he asked me what it was because he didn't know.  When you think about this illness you think about crazy people; who shoot up the post office.  But here I am, this seemingly normal person, that he knows as the woman he loves and I have this illness.  If I had never told him that I have PTSD he probably wouldn't of known.  So I tell him this and his reply is “okay.”  Just like that.  I went nights of not sleeping and he just says, “okay.”  I left it at that.  He’s my mister wonderful.

     I think the one thing that people should know is that this illness can be controlled with time, patients, self love, understanding, and education.  It took me a long time just to admit to myself that I had this illness because I didn't see it as relating to me.  I had the symptoms but I didn't want the label.  I've since learned to accept it and in turn learned to live with it.  I think the hardest part is thinking about what other people think of you.  You feel sort of cut off from the world and different.  That’s how I felt; different.  I was changed by my ordeal (being raped) and I've never quite been able to feel whole or normal then to be diagnosed with PTSD just made me feel like I was damaged, beyond repair.  That’s a hard thing to admit to yourself but that’s how I felt at the time.  I felt like I would always be broken.

     You can have a normal life with this illness.  I do have set backs but I usually get through them.  I fall some times and it’s hard to pick myself up but then I think do I want to stay here, in this depressed state, and usually that’s when the fight kicks in.  You have to know yourself and know how this illness affects you, have a plan ahead of time for those bad days, and learn to enjoy the good days.  I know when I’m going into a depressive state; so I have a plan of action already for what I’m going to do.  

     I do have good days.  I’m so grateful that I’m alive to see those because there are so many woman that were raped and didn't live to tell their stories, who will never have good days ever again.  Plus I've been fortunate enough to have some wonderful people in my life that picked me up when I couldn't pick myself up and gave me a kick in the ass when I really needed it.  I’m very grateful for them. 

     I wish I could tell you that at the end of this you will be cured of this terrible illness but no such luck.  I can tell you that  you can have better days.  You just have to take those baby steps like going for a walk outside, going to lunch with a friend, or just doing some thing that you love. 

     Music was my catalyst and it was what helped me to get out of my depression.  You would not believe it but I use to not talk to people, I didn't go shopping or to visit friends.  At one time in my life I didn't have any friends.  I went to work and back home.  At my worst I couldn't get out of bed.  Life was passing me by and I wasn't living at all.  I was hiding away, just waiting to die.  I decided that I wanted to live a good life (a happy life) and that I wanted love in my life.  My desire is what started my transformation. 

     PTSD is an illness not a death sentence; so you’re not doomed.  You can live a happy, normal life and still have this illness.  You just have to figure out what works for you in controlling your symptoms.  Just remember that you are going to have some bad days.  When you do have those bad days love yourself hard and tell yourself that it’s okay to be human.

Below is a poem I wrote about PTSD:

LIVING WITH P.T.S.D

I dated misery and for a time or two

He would comfort me

Within his Arms I sheltered the storm

To the world Outside

I was an array of calm

Hatred lingered on my lips

A sweet taste with a bitter tip

And a time or two he would slip

And Spill Out onto the ground below

Discovery frightened me

For I dared not show

The world my pain

The world my shame

The world my sorrow

I put on my best game face

A little smile, a little teeth

Wide eyed, and pink cheeks I pinched

There goes my glory

All encased within this shell

Who knows and can they see me

Here I stand.  Still living with P.T.S.D.

July 2005

My New Relationship

     Relationships are always so hard for me.  I always have this wall up because I feel like I have to protect myself.  I especially protect my heart.  Recently someone came into my life and changed all that.  His name is Thomas and he’s been my partner, my friend, and my lover.  I think partner is the most fitting word. 

     We met at an open-mic, in Mobile Alabama, a few months back.  He’s a rap artist and, well you know, I’m a neo-soul artist.  That night, I recall him standing on the stage and I was standing right by the stage checking him out.  Just casually at first.  But I thought to myself, “he’s cute.”  What I didn't know was that he was looking right at me the whole time.  He had shades on and I could not see his eyes.  Hey in my defense woman check out men all the time; we just don’t get caught unless we want to get caught.  I actually left the club while he was still on stage performing, so we didn't get to talk that night.  Plus, I wasn't really interested in starting a relationship with anyone.  He got my business card from a friend of mine and called me.  He tried to tell me who he was but I was just like "okay."  I thought he was calling for business so I put him  in this category; it’s business.  The next week, I’m at the open-mic again,  he walks up to me and I realize “it’s him.”  My cute guy.  I know! I'm so slow.  We've been talking every since.  

     We are so compatible.  Like it’s crazy how much we compliment each other.  He doesn't react to my craziness.  He makes me laugh.  He’s very loyal and protective.  He has this take charge personality that I find so appealing but he’s not overbearing.  The fact that we are both into music is such a relief because we understand how important music is to us on a personal level.   I've never met anyone quite like him.  I’m the storm and he’s the calm in the eye of the storm.  He’s not perfect.  Thank God!  He’s perfect for me.   He really makes me happy.  We've talked about getting married, and having a kid.  I’m just going with the flow right now and where ever this road takes me I’m going willingly.

    

Find the source of your unhappiness

     I was thinking about the things that have changed in my life over the years and I went back to a time when I was crazy out my mind.  No kidding.  I was a mess.  I remember driving in my car and my now ex-husband was in the passenger seat going on and on about something or another.  He was such a pessimistic person and so unhappy with himself.  He made my life miserable.  As I was driving I considered running off the road and killing him.  Seriously!  We were on a bridge, it would of worked.  Any way, he was being so degrading and I just had enough.  Thank God I realized that if I killed him that I could possibly be my own victim too; that didn't sit right with me.  I think that was my defining moment because at that moment I realized that I had to get out of that marriage.  There is no telling where I'd be if not for that epiphany.  By now you probably would of seen my story on "Snapped."  No joke.
     My point for this story is that at some point in your life you have to realize what is making you unhappy.  I was in a loveless marriage but if I got out it would of meant financial ruins.  I realized that my marriage was draining me dry and I had nothing else to give because there was nothing left.  I had to say to myself is it worth it?  Maybe you're going through a similar thing and you don't know what to do.  I had to take stock of my life and make huge decisions that could change my life forever.  Don't you think it's time you take stock of your life and figure out what's the cause of your unhappiness.  It could change your life tremendously.  It might not be your marriage, it could be your job, a friendship, an unbearable situation, a death of a loved one, or your children.  You owe it to yourself to find your joy again.
     When you realize the cause of your unhappiness then you have to decide what your next course of action is.  For me it was easy but for you it might be harder and you may have to really dig deep.  I knew what was making me unhappy and I knew what I had to do.  I chose to leave but you have to choose what's best for you.
     When I got my divorce I remember feeling so free and thankful.  It was so hard going through the divorce but when it was over, baby, I celebrated.  When you get over, rid of, or through that thing that causes you unhappiness make sure you celebrate.  I'm serious.  Have a party, even if it's for one person.  Listen.  I've had many nights of just me, candle lights, and a glass of wine.  Let me tell you, I enjoyed every moment.

Fibromyalgia and me.....

     Okay, so the weather is changing and my fibromyalgia is kicking my ass.  Really!  Everything hurts right now and I can't for the life of me get myself together.  The crazy thing is there's not much I can do about it.  I take pain pills for the pain (pills that scarcely work) and a muscle relaxer for the muscle spasms (that occur out of no where).  I can't tell you the symptoms that I have because there are so many; chronic pain being the main one, insomnia, morning stiffness, fog brain, painful menstrual period, and the list goes on.  What I can't understand is why haven't the medical field been able to understand this illness better or better yet find a cure.  I can say that there is a lot more information out there on the subject but it still doesn't explain how this illness occurs or why some people or more susceptible to this illness than others.
     I do know that some days are better than others and that I manage to have some really good days in between my bad ones. The most important thing I can tell you about this illness is that when you get to a point where every thing is overwhelming to you take a step back and get some rest.  Usually after a good days rest you can see things a little bit clearer and the pain will become more manageable.  Also, stress can really make this illness worse, so really explore stress management.

     Here is a site that I found that has some valuable information on fibromyalgis; the site is WebMD and here is the link http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/default.htm. Here are some theories about what causes fibromyalgia; http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/guide/fibromyalgia-causes.  I also found a site that has a questions and answers about fibromyalgia; here's that link:

http://www.niams.nih.gov/Health_Info/Fibromyalgia/default.asp.

     I really believe that information is power and if you have the information then it can empower you.  I really hope the links above are helpful to you in some way or another.  Much love, be informed and be empowered, Lady PJ.

Dreading the day....

written by Philessa Hooks Jenkins
aka Lady PJ
"Dreading the day"

     The day I've been dreading for a very long time is fast approaching; the day I lay my sweet grandmother to rest.  The pain isn't as bad today.  I still hurt but I think I'm finally facing the reality that I have to live my life without her in it.  I just always thought that she would be there when I fell in love again, or when I got remarried, or if I had another child.  I wanted her there and it breaks my heart to know that any future I have will not have her in it.

    Over the last few days I've thought of her life.  She was married to my grandfather Hollis Moore for sixty-three years.  He was the love of her life.  She was the last surviving child of her mother Adline Harper Kennedy, and was eighty-four years old at her passing.  She was her husband's caretaker before he passed.  She also took care of her mother before her passing.  They had three children together.  She was an amazing cook and very passionate about her craft.  She was the strength of our family and the one that brought us together.  

     There are so many things I wish I had said.  I'm happy knowing that I had a chance to tell her how much I loved her almost every day for the past year and a half.  I can still hear her reply, "I love you too" in my head.  She was so humble and warm.  She was an amazing woman.

     I keep going in her room; hoping that this was just a bad dream, and hoping that I would wake up, see her there in her chair watching the cooking channel.  The chair is empty the room is almost empty and there's this feeling of coldness. I stand there looking into this nothingness with sadness in my heart, hoping that tomorrow will somehow bring sunshine and take this darkness away. 

     I'm not really good with goodbyes and I hate going to funerals.  She would want me to be strong and to know that I was so very loved by her.  I hold to that now.

Home Coming.

     June 23, 2012 my family will say a final goodbye to our beloved mother and grandmother the Widow Ora Lee Moore.  She will be laid to rest in Marion Junction Alabama next to her beloved husband Hamp Moore and her mother Adline Harper Jackson Kennedy.
     She's been ill for a while and was only given six months to live but managed to stay here on this earth for an additional year and a half.  She was a true fighter.  
     El Bethel Primitive Baptist Church, of which she was a member for over fifty years, will host her home coming.  Dr. Jonathan L. Yates is officiating the service; at 11 am.  After the service we will have a short lunch then head to the burial site in Marion Junction.
     The family would like to thank you for your love and support during our time of bereavement.

I say goodbye to my grandmother Ora Lee.

     On June 14, 2012 the Widow Ora Lee Moore passed away in her sleep at eighty-four years old.  She was my grandmother and the most amazing woman I've ever known.  There's such a void in my heart right now.  She loved her family so and was so loved because of it.  She always made all of her grandchildren feel special and loved no matter what.
     I'm trying to think of her not suffering, and having no more pain; so I can let her go.  I want to believe that she's in a much better place.  I'm not that selfless.  If I could I would make her come back and talk to me late at night when I can't sleep, laugh at all the silly things I do, tell her some what funny jokes, and watch endless hours of the cooking show.  I would do them without complaining.  In fact I would do them all with a smile on my face.  Instead all I have right now is endless tears and a heart filled with pain.
     She was the rock that held our family together and most of the time the reason why we all got together.  She had a way of making you feel loved and taken care of.  My grandmother was the best cook in the world.  I'm going to really miss all the cakes, pies, and the pig feet (that would melt in your mouth).  With her passing we lost a complete generation of elders and I no longer have any living grandparents.  I helped to take care of her and I wasn't prepared for her passing.  It is with so much sadness that I say goodbye to you, Ora Lee.

What a week!!

     It has been a taxing week.  My Grandmother is on her death bed and it really doesn't look good.  It's like everyone is just waiting for her to pass.  She's under 24 hour Hospice care here at the house.  I can't even think of the idea of her... It's just too much right now.  My Aunt is on her way from St. Petersburg, Fl and I really hope she gets the chance to say goodbye to her mother.
     Yesterday, my older sister, Lori, called me to say that she's back in the hospital.  Her doctor admitted her because of her heart.  I'm just beyond myself right now.  So I had to go to the hospital to visit with her.  It's a lot to deal with for my family.  I really pray that we don't have to go to another funeral.
      I don't want to say goodbye to her.  She means so much to me and I just don't want to let go.

Goodbye Jayda

     I went to a funeral today.  My friend Gene "Shooby" Dillard's and his girlfriend Shelley Walters baby girl, Jayda Walters, drowned at Styx Rivers.  She was only three years old.  What a sad day!  I think of all the things she wont do, all the accomplishments she wont have, and all the life changing moments that will never be hers to experience.  Then I think of all the things a mother looks forward to for her child and Shelley will never get to see that with Jayda.  She will never get to see her graduate from school or college, never see her fall in love or get married, never see her get her first job or buy her first car, and never get to see her pregnant with her first child or have kids of her own.  All the promises that she once had for her child are forever gone.

     This was a child that I held in my arms when she was just a baby and I thought out loud how absolutely beautiful she was.  It just makes me so sad that I wont get to see the woman she would grow into.  I can only hope that her family can find a way to get through this loss allowing them to find peace and joy again.

     This was an awful accident of a child that was taken way too soon.  Please watch your kids like a hawk when they are around water because those little legs can move so fast.  One minute they are right next to you and the next you don't know where they are.  You wont believe how many small children drown in this country.  In fact the same week that Jayda drowned another two year old boy drowned in a neighbor's pool.  Don't be ashamed to ask friends to help you watch your child especially if you have to watch more than one.  As a parent it is our job to protect our children and some times we need help doing our jobs efficiently.

     Goodbye Jayda you will be so missed.

The BIG 40!!!!!!!!!!

     Ever had one of those moments where everything went wrong?  I'm having one of those moments in life where I can't find the positive.  I'm usually able to look at things from all sides and find the good. I feel like I'm in a haze.  I need to rock out!  Yes.  I need a party.
     My birthday is Saturday and I turn the big 40; which my teenage daughter constantly refers to as old. I choose not to think of it at all but maybe that's my problem.  I rarely celebrate my birthday and on the rare occasion that I choose to celebrate it's an eat out at a local restaurant.  This year I'm thinking that I want the big out doors.  Beach party and then a night out with the girls.  I really want to go para-sailing but I can't get anyone to go with me which really sucks.  Scary ass people!  If you're one of my friends and you are reading this just know that if the shoe fits applies.  I'm just saying.  Smile.  Yeah, 40!

Overwhelmed Me!

     I'm sitting here trying to rest and relax.  I just spent the last week trying to take care of my older sister.  She's been in the hospital.  I on the other hand spent the week driving between Bay Minette, Mobile, and Fairhope, on top of that running errands for her, watching her dog, then taking care of her daughters for the past three days, and checking in on her at the hospital.  The crazy part is that I'm really upset with her.  I don't think she takes very good care of herself and she has two young girls to look after. She knows what she has to do but she chooses to ignore doctors orders and eat stuff that she can't eat.  I want to shake her then slap her into reality.  But I also realize that she has lupus, heart problems, and diverticulitis to deal with.  I understand her pain.  I just don't understand her not fighting with all her might to get well. I don't know how I would deal with her kind of illnesses but I do know that I would put my child first.  I think I need to get away from everyone and having to take care of everybody.  I need some me time.
     So today I'm taking care of my Grandmother; who's bedridden and can't take care of herself.  Trying to give my Mother a break.
     I don't want to feel right now.  My heart is broken and I don't think that anything will ever be the same.  I have to get past this sadness and I think that a new work project maybe two or three will do the trick.  I don't want to think about him but I keep thinking about him.  I have to get past this and I don't know how.  I wish that I could turn this off and focus on myself for a change.

Little Boy Lost

    I want to tell you a story that I think you will find interesting.  There was this little boy who lost himself and had to become a man at a very early age.  He grew up hard and he felt alone; at times unloved.  As a result of the way he grew up he became a protector for those in need because he never felt protected.   I imagine he dreamed of all the things he would do if he could; that’s when the hero took form.   He would hide under his house to keep from his abusive father’s grasp, but never far from his mother’s loving arms.  I think he wanted to be sure that she too was safe because his father would often times beat his mother.

     As a man, he is distant and some times cold because he hides parts of himself from the world.  That part of himself desperately needs to be nourished and cared for but instead is being neglected.  To him this part of self is a weakness that he (the man) can’t afford to have.  Within self is this longing that is growing because it is constantly being denied.  He doesn’t want to show his weakness because it would leave him vulnerable; open.  Some pains you can never forget.  His fear is that someone will see and know.  “To thy own self be true.”

     I say, “this little boy needs to mourn for the little boy trapped under the building hiding away in fear.”  He needs to weep for his pain, for his hurt, for his sorrow.  Then he needs to rejoice for his hope, for his love, for his life, and for all that is to come.  He needs to believe and to accept that he is good and just; that nothing can take this away from him.  He also needs to realize that he can not save the world.

     Why do you think he hides under that building?  I’ve thought of this a lot lately.  He could of went some where else and been safe from the monster but he stayed there close to her.  I think he wanted to save her but every time he failed and that took a toll on him; more than he ever realized.   I also think that he is now afraid of becoming the monster that he (the little boy) hid from.  He doesn’t realize that he has the key inside him to change this situation. 

     I want to tell that little boy that he is safe, that he is loved, and that within him is all he needs to fix the man that is now in turmoil.  I’m wondering what would you tell him…

     I hope you found my story interesting.  I have to go for now.

Much love, PJ.

My Weekend

     This weekend I had a fabulous time.  I went to the movie theatre on Friday with a group of friends (all woman; one of which was my niece Kendle) and we saw “Think Like A Man” by Steve Harvey.  It was fabulous.  I laughed so hard through out the whole damn movie and I can relate most of that laughter to Kevin Hart.  He completely stole the show.   If you have some free time and want a good laugh please go and see this movie.  It is so worth your time. 

     Earlier that day I went shopping and found some fabulous shoes.  I am such a shoe whore.  I will probable be buried with a few pairs of sexy shoes; just in case.  Laughing my ass off, right now!  Sounds crazy but I am so serious. 

     Saturday evening around three,  I went to the Bay Front Park where I sat my chair down by the Mobile Bay and attempted to read my book by Syd Fields.  I love being in places where I can just relax and enjoy the scenery.  I’m just sitting by the water and the wind is blowing so hard that I could not enjoy myself.  Now that morning I decided to curl my hair instead of wearing my wig and my hair is blowing all over the place.  I started out with ahead full of curls but ended up with a flat mess.  Then of course there was the threat of rain.  I said, “the hell with it” and grabbed my stuff and went home.  I was so disappointed because I really wanted to enjoy a relaxed day by the water.  Didn’t work out that way but always another day.

     Saturday night, I ended up watching a few old movies and a few forensic files.  I find the investigative channel so appealing.  I probable watch it every day.  I don’t know what it is about it but I find it very hard to turn the channel.

    Sunday, I went to church with my daughter and we had a wonderful time.  Service was great.  Came back home and took a nap.  Yes, a nap.  God, I’m getting old.  Then at four something that evening I get an invite from my niece, Kendle,  to come to Gulf Shores and have drinks.  Mind you that Gulf Shores is a little over a hour drive away.  I get up out the bed and just go.  I did manage to take some changing clothes just in case.  You never know what might happen.  So I get there and find out that everyone is waiting on me before they go to dinner.  I didn’t even know that I was going to dinner.  Wait a minute!  Did I mention that my niece’s new boyfriend, whom I’ve never met,  is there.  I’m completely not dressed for dinner but remember those changing clothes.  Hey, a girl has to prepare, so I run straight to the bathroom to change.  Did I mention that I also brought my wig.  Ha! Ha! Ha!  Am I not fabulous.  So ten minutes later I’m like ready for the party.  We go to this fabulous restaurant and for a walk on the wharf, then drinks. 

     We ended the night at his condo where we played cards and danced.  I tried really hard to teach him and Callie how to do the wobble.  It was so not working but so funny to watch.  Poor, Callie.  Really!  All that ass and you can’t wobble.  I have to admit that I had a wonderful time.  I still haven’t convinced them to go parasailing with me.  It’s a work in progress…

PJ

I have hope

     Two days ago I realized that I wasn’t in pain.  A crazy analysis to make but you have to realize that I’ve been in constant pain for well over fifteen years.   I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and arthritis.  This illness has really been hard for me to deal with.  I have to watch how I lay my arms and my legs, the way I sleep, and the way people touch me.  I use to love getting a deep tissue massage but I can't take the pain of having one.  I also have problems with sleeping and the past week I’ve been sleeping like a baby.  I've been praying for this day for a very long time; to go to sleep and wake up rested.  You don't realize how important that is until you don't have it.

     If you have fibromyalgia then you know that the pain is constant and you feel pain all over.  This illness has affected my whole life and the way I look at that life.  Up to now I’ve had to arrange my life around my condition.  It’s hard to plan any thing because I never know how my day is going to go.  If I will get enough sleep at night, if I’ll go to sleep at all, will the meds work, is the pain going to be worst, will I have enough energy to go and do things, and how will I feel after I’ve done them.  It’s been a battle that I’ve had to fight over and over again.  It's very discouraging when you have dreams and you think you will never be able to fulfill those dreams because of some thing that you have no control over.

     I can’t believe that I’m not in pain and for the first time in a long time I feel like going to do things; hang out at the beach, go for a walk, and go shopping.  I contribute this to some over the counter drugs (mainly herbs and vitamins) that my doctor recommended.  He told me that it would take a few weeks for the medicine to take affect.  I had no real expectations.  I’ve tried so many pain pills and they all have the same result; minimize the pain but never take it completely away until now.  I feel amazing.  My energy is coming back and I’m starting to feel like my old self again.  I can’t tell you how wonderful this is because I feel like I can do the things I’ve dreamed of doing.  I have hope.  Wow!  I’m trying not to get too excited just in case things don’t work out.  I’ve had medicines that work for a little while but have side affects or they stop working as good over time.  I can’t help but to feel like maybe I can get back to doing the things I’ve dreamed of doing for some time now.  Feels like my world is opening back up again.  Thank God!

We all have trials

     No matter what your going through always remember that you are not the only one.  Life is a never ending circle and we are always going through something or another.  It doesn't matter how much money you have, your job title, or your status in life; because guess what, when it's your time to go through something you will go through it.  These are our trials and tribulations; they build our character.  I think that when you know who you are on an intimate level, it's easier to know what to do when your in a storm.  Because you know how much love and care you require.   When I think of trials and tribulations I think of them as storms.
    When you're in a storm be patient and try to figure out the reason. Nothing in life happens without cause.  Everything that happens in our lives has purpose and it is up to us to figure out what that purpose is.  If you don't discover this purpose you may be set to repeat this storm over and over again.
     In the meantime give yourself a lot of love, be as patient and understanding as you can be towards yourself, and allow yourself to just be.  Feel what you need to feel and get through it.  Please don't deny your feelings an outlet because they will come back to you in other ways; nightmares, anger, physical pain, sleepless nights, rage, and anxiety.  Trust me when I say, "you don't want that."
     Learn to honor your feelings and if it helps learn to communicate those feelings to someone that you trust.  The safest way to go is to write them down in a journal, then keep your journal in the trunk of your car.  I've found it very helpful to express my trials through a play because I can be any character I'd like and there's a lot of work through.  The key here is that you have to find what works for you.   Just remember that we all go through trials and tribulations, but it's how we deal with them that defines who we really are.
PJ

"Spring Break"

     I drove to Orange Beach Monday, which is about a little over one hour drive for me, and I had such a relaxing time.  My baby sister (Valerie) and I just chilled and soaked up the sun.  While the kids (four girls and two boys) dealt with the cold water and it was so cold.  I did manage to get my feet wet and I was done.  I can't tell you how absolutely relaxed I was when I left.

     Afterwards we met up with my niece at her boyfriend's condo and we all had a drink of wine and danced to whatever came on the radio.  Picture it because it was rather funny but so much fun.  Honey afterwards, I was so ready to go to bed.  I felt like falling out, right on the sofa.  Let me tell you, that ride home was a long one.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  They want to go back on Friday... Yeah!

Using Scenic Sites

     I find it very helpful to visit scenic sites that are beautiful and calming.  It helps me to relax and not think of what's wrong.  I'm such a worry wart and it can really get out of hand.  So I get into my car and I drive to one of our local parks; usually it's some place with a river or lake.  I'm such a water person so I love being near water or in it.  I get caught up in the sounds that I hear, the movement of the water or the people, the color of the grass or the trees, and the sky especially at night when the stars are out.  I like the feeling of becoming one with my surroundings and I can really get engrossed in that.
     The next thing I'm going to do is take my camera out there and take some pictures so I can show you what I'm talking about.  That will be a bit more helpful to you because some people are more visual than others.
     You should try using scenic sites yourself and make sure you pay attention to everything that pleases you; later on when you feel down you can bring it back into view through recall.  You'll find this experience very helpful when you're having a really bad day and you can't get away for what ever reason. 
     You may not like the water but instead prefer the mountains, or visiting towns, or cities, well that's fine. You have to find what works for you.  Remember this is just a tool, one of many tools you can use when you need them.  Much love to you, PJ.

Taking the time out to enjoy the view.

I wanted to tell you about my magical night because I never want to forget it.  I was down by the bay in Fairhope, Alabama; right down from the Pier.  The second day in January of 2012 and the stars were twinkling in the night sky, the wind was blowing so passionately.  I walked up to the wharf and heard the water running onto the shore and the gushing sound it made when it rescinded.  I sat down and was consumed by everything that was happening around me; the wind was blowing vigorously on my face and I was wrapped tightly in my blanket.  I was in awe as the water danced around and roared as I dreamed of surfing (I've never surfed).  I just thought how magical.  How perfect!  I didn't want to leave.  It's so amazing to me that the most precious things are free and we don't stop to enjoy them as the gifts they truly are.