Dreading the day....

written by Philessa Hooks Jenkins
aka Lady PJ
"Dreading the day"

     The day I've been dreading for a very long time is fast approaching; the day I lay my sweet grandmother to rest.  The pain isn't as bad today.  I still hurt but I think I'm finally facing the reality that I have to live my life without her in it.  I just always thought that she would be there when I fell in love again, or when I got remarried, or if I had another child.  I wanted her there and it breaks my heart to know that any future I have will not have her in it.

    Over the last few days I've thought of her life.  She was married to my grandfather Hollis Moore for sixty-three years.  He was the love of her life.  She was the last surviving child of her mother Adline Harper Kennedy, and was eighty-four years old at her passing.  She was her husband's caretaker before he passed.  She also took care of her mother before her passing.  They had three children together.  She was an amazing cook and very passionate about her craft.  She was the strength of our family and the one that brought us together.  

     There are so many things I wish I had said.  I'm happy knowing that I had a chance to tell her how much I loved her almost every day for the past year and a half.  I can still hear her reply, "I love you too" in my head.  She was so humble and warm.  She was an amazing woman.

     I keep going in her room; hoping that this was just a bad dream, and hoping that I would wake up, see her there in her chair watching the cooking channel.  The chair is empty the room is almost empty and there's this feeling of coldness. I stand there looking into this nothingness with sadness in my heart, hoping that tomorrow will somehow bring sunshine and take this darkness away. 

     I'm not really good with goodbyes and I hate going to funerals.  She would want me to be strong and to know that I was so very loved by her.  I hold to that now.

Home Coming.

     June 23, 2012 my family will say a final goodbye to our beloved mother and grandmother the Widow Ora Lee Moore.  She will be laid to rest in Marion Junction Alabama next to her beloved husband Hamp Moore and her mother Adline Harper Jackson Kennedy.
     She's been ill for a while and was only given six months to live but managed to stay here on this earth for an additional year and a half.  She was a true fighter.  
     El Bethel Primitive Baptist Church, of which she was a member for over fifty years, will host her home coming.  Dr. Jonathan L. Yates is officiating the service; at 11 am.  After the service we will have a short lunch then head to the burial site in Marion Junction.
     The family would like to thank you for your love and support during our time of bereavement.

I say goodbye to my grandmother Ora Lee.

     On June 14, 2012 the Widow Ora Lee Moore passed away in her sleep at eighty-four years old.  She was my grandmother and the most amazing woman I've ever known.  There's such a void in my heart right now.  She loved her family so and was so loved because of it.  She always made all of her grandchildren feel special and loved no matter what.
     I'm trying to think of her not suffering, and having no more pain; so I can let her go.  I want to believe that she's in a much better place.  I'm not that selfless.  If I could I would make her come back and talk to me late at night when I can't sleep, laugh at all the silly things I do, tell her some what funny jokes, and watch endless hours of the cooking show.  I would do them without complaining.  In fact I would do them all with a smile on my face.  Instead all I have right now is endless tears and a heart filled with pain.
     She was the rock that held our family together and most of the time the reason why we all got together.  She had a way of making you feel loved and taken care of.  My grandmother was the best cook in the world.  I'm going to really miss all the cakes, pies, and the pig feet (that would melt in your mouth).  With her passing we lost a complete generation of elders and I no longer have any living grandparents.  I helped to take care of her and I wasn't prepared for her passing.  It is with so much sadness that I say goodbye to you, Ora Lee.

What a week!!

     It has been a taxing week.  My Grandmother is on her death bed and it really doesn't look good.  It's like everyone is just waiting for her to pass.  She's under 24 hour Hospice care here at the house.  I can't even think of the idea of her... It's just too much right now.  My Aunt is on her way from St. Petersburg, Fl and I really hope she gets the chance to say goodbye to her mother.
     Yesterday, my older sister, Lori, called me to say that she's back in the hospital.  Her doctor admitted her because of her heart.  I'm just beyond myself right now.  So I had to go to the hospital to visit with her.  It's a lot to deal with for my family.  I really pray that we don't have to go to another funeral.
      I don't want to say goodbye to her.  She means so much to me and I just don't want to let go.

Goodbye Jayda

     I went to a funeral today.  My friend Gene "Shooby" Dillard's and his girlfriend Shelley Walters baby girl, Jayda Walters, drowned at Styx Rivers.  She was only three years old.  What a sad day!  I think of all the things she wont do, all the accomplishments she wont have, and all the life changing moments that will never be hers to experience.  Then I think of all the things a mother looks forward to for her child and Shelley will never get to see that with Jayda.  She will never get to see her graduate from school or college, never see her fall in love or get married, never see her get her first job or buy her first car, and never get to see her pregnant with her first child or have kids of her own.  All the promises that she once had for her child are forever gone.

     This was a child that I held in my arms when she was just a baby and I thought out loud how absolutely beautiful she was.  It just makes me so sad that I wont get to see the woman she would grow into.  I can only hope that her family can find a way to get through this loss allowing them to find peace and joy again.

     This was an awful accident of a child that was taken way too soon.  Please watch your kids like a hawk when they are around water because those little legs can move so fast.  One minute they are right next to you and the next you don't know where they are.  You wont believe how many small children drown in this country.  In fact the same week that Jayda drowned another two year old boy drowned in a neighbor's pool.  Don't be ashamed to ask friends to help you watch your child especially if you have to watch more than one.  As a parent it is our job to protect our children and some times we need help doing our jobs efficiently.

     Goodbye Jayda you will be so missed.

The BIG 40!!!!!!!!!!

     Ever had one of those moments where everything went wrong?  I'm having one of those moments in life where I can't find the positive.  I'm usually able to look at things from all sides and find the good. I feel like I'm in a haze.  I need to rock out!  Yes.  I need a party.
     My birthday is Saturday and I turn the big 40; which my teenage daughter constantly refers to as old. I choose not to think of it at all but maybe that's my problem.  I rarely celebrate my birthday and on the rare occasion that I choose to celebrate it's an eat out at a local restaurant.  This year I'm thinking that I want the big out doors.  Beach party and then a night out with the girls.  I really want to go para-sailing but I can't get anyone to go with me which really sucks.  Scary ass people!  If you're one of my friends and you are reading this just know that if the shoe fits applies.  I'm just saying.  Smile.  Yeah, 40!

Overwhelmed Me!

     I'm sitting here trying to rest and relax.  I just spent the last week trying to take care of my older sister.  She's been in the hospital.  I on the other hand spent the week driving between Bay Minette, Mobile, and Fairhope, on top of that running errands for her, watching her dog, then taking care of her daughters for the past three days, and checking in on her at the hospital.  The crazy part is that I'm really upset with her.  I don't think she takes very good care of herself and she has two young girls to look after. She knows what she has to do but she chooses to ignore doctors orders and eat stuff that she can't eat.  I want to shake her then slap her into reality.  But I also realize that she has lupus, heart problems, and diverticulitis to deal with.  I understand her pain.  I just don't understand her not fighting with all her might to get well. I don't know how I would deal with her kind of illnesses but I do know that I would put my child first.  I think I need to get away from everyone and having to take care of everybody.  I need some me time.
     So today I'm taking care of my Grandmother; who's bedridden and can't take care of herself.  Trying to give my Mother a break.
     I don't want to feel right now.  My heart is broken and I don't think that anything will ever be the same.  I have to get past this sadness and I think that a new work project maybe two or three will do the trick.  I don't want to think about him but I keep thinking about him.  I have to get past this and I don't know how.  I wish that I could turn this off and focus on myself for a change.