Dreading the day....

written by Philessa Hooks Jenkins
aka Lady PJ
"Dreading the day"

     The day I've been dreading for a very long time is fast approaching; the day I lay my sweet grandmother to rest.  The pain isn't as bad today.  I still hurt but I think I'm finally facing the reality that I have to live my life without her in it.  I just always thought that she would be there when I fell in love again, or when I got remarried, or if I had another child.  I wanted her there and it breaks my heart to know that any future I have will not have her in it.

    Over the last few days I've thought of her life.  She was married to my grandfather Hollis Moore for sixty-three years.  He was the love of her life.  She was the last surviving child of her mother Adline Harper Kennedy, and was eighty-four years old at her passing.  She was her husband's caretaker before he passed.  She also took care of her mother before her passing.  They had three children together.  She was an amazing cook and very passionate about her craft.  She was the strength of our family and the one that brought us together.  

     There are so many things I wish I had said.  I'm happy knowing that I had a chance to tell her how much I loved her almost every day for the past year and a half.  I can still hear her reply, "I love you too" in my head.  She was so humble and warm.  She was an amazing woman.

     I keep going in her room; hoping that this was just a bad dream, and hoping that I would wake up, see her there in her chair watching the cooking channel.  The chair is empty the room is almost empty and there's this feeling of coldness. I stand there looking into this nothingness with sadness in my heart, hoping that tomorrow will somehow bring sunshine and take this darkness away. 

     I'm not really good with goodbyes and I hate going to funerals.  She would want me to be strong and to know that I was so very loved by her.  I hold to that now.